Hm.

I had the strangest experience this morning that borders on terrifying. I lay in bed half awake and half asleep. It's not unusual for many people to hear real world events within their dreams. This experience was similar except that I had one eye open.

On the right side of my field of vision I was laying in bed, looking out my window (As I was in real life) but the rest of me, my consciousness and the left side of my vision was wandering around my room, preparing to go to work.

I realized what was happening when I tried to look around because I had suddenly become lost in my own bedroom. So I made a panicked dash for my bed, where my body lay. I have a loft bed and trying to climb it while one eye was disoriented/blurred/blind while the other was staring out a window was difficult. I climbed the ladder by feel alone.

I only woke when I had finally gotten up and lay in the position my body was in. That was strange too, because all that happened is my consciousness joined my body, and my left eye opened.

The part that scares me is you hear cases of people undergoing surgery but being conscious about it, trapped in their own body, and I realize now that I'm actually quite capable of that.

Very strange morning, I'll tell you.

Nathan's Comic-con '09

Many people have asked me how Comic Con went so I'll give a quick rundown.

Monday - Prepwork
Chris (WoW) and I went to rent our trip car (my car has no AC and 1k miles over a week would make it sad) and were going to get a 2010 Mazda 3, but the guy ran over a tire and tied on the damaged parts with zip ties. So we got a free upgrade to a Toyota Prius, which, while tight, got good mileage.

Met up with Traci (WoW)'s mom for dinner, hit the timeshare and unpacked. Met up with Eva Chan (The Guild) who needed a bed for one night and crashed.

Tuesday - Free Time
Wandered San Diego with Eva, had sushi like we promised, it was nice to have a day to just relax.

Picked up Daniela Figueiredo (The Guild) from the airport with Jenni Powell (The Guild) and met Sam Proof (Jenni Powell). Had a delicious dinner at The Field and then drinks across the street at the Marble Room.

There we met up with the webmaster Edgar Garcia (The Guild). It was an international meeting of Guildies as Lydia (Germany), Dani (Brazil), Eva (Canada), Naseeb (also Canada), and Matt (Illinois is like another country, right?) Edgar (also IL) mingled with the Californians.

Wednesday - Preview Night!
Went shopping in the exhibition room, got my The Guild autographs and called it early since it got out at 9.

Thursday - Comic-Con Day 1
Bit more shopping and collected tickets for various signings the following day.

I wasn't going to originally but I got talked into doing The Guild's scavenger hunt and I am glad I did (Thanks all. :) )Doing so got me into The Guild's VIP and X-Box party where I got to hang out with The Guild's cast and got to meet Maurissa Tancharoen. (She was with Jed Whedon but he was busy talking to other people.) Ray Park made an appearance but I was too dumbfounded and boozed (OPEN BAR) at that point to even say 'hi.' (Star Wars' 'Darth Maul', X-Men's 'Toad', as well as the upcoming G.I. Joe's 'Snake Eyes')

Friday - Comic-Con Day 2
Woke up early to fight for Coraline signing tickets, which became a fiasco. Convention Center staff had to yell at the giant crowd for half an hour to keep moving, so we walked in circles. When the random drawing happened the event planner ruined the randomness by giving tickets out to people for different reasons. While random reasons, it was still an unfair way to speed up something that was supposedly plain luck. Instead he gave them out to people who were in costume, etc.

This really upset Chris, Traci, and I (all of us in line for myself) so Chris had some strong words with the event runner afterward, and after some time and uncomfortable raised voices, eventually Chris got him to give out an extra bracelet, which he gave to me. (Thanks again Chris!) After getting the beyond-last bracelet for the signing I went to pick up the last Coraline Blu-Ray (which Traci hunted down by calling a bazillion stores) and the last copy of Coraline at Borders. My luck was amazing that morning, I must say.

12:30 rolled around to get my autographs from the scheduled talent: Neil Gaiman (Book Author), Keith David (Voice of The Cat), Henry Selick (Production Designer).  When who shows up to sign as well? The beautiful Teri Hatcher (Various voices, most notably both mother's). I was so nervous when I got to Neil Gaiman I said, "I love everything." What I meant to say was I loved all his work, but I was too flabbergasted. He politely responded with, "I love everything, too."

I had lunch with Chris and Traci, our only restaraunt meal the entire trip, and it was nice to just sit and talk. Afterwards we returned to the center so I could get in line for the Dollhouse signing.

To make a long story short the gigantic 3 hour line was so poorly organized by Fox that convention center employees had to help and block off two aisles for us. Then the talent arrived: Joss Whedon (Executive Producer, Writer), Eliza Dushku (Executive Producer, Lead Actress 'Echo'), Fran Kranz (Actor ' 'Topher'), Dichen Lachman (Actress 'Sierra'). The line collapsed into a huge pushing match for the one entrance as time began to run short. I thought I'd never get in as the clock hit 6:55. As a consolation for those who were rushed towards the end Enver Gjokaj (Actor, 'Victor') showed up and we were able to get his autograph as well.

So I was rushed by most of the talent but when I got to Joss I asked him to sign my Ship's Papers (http://tinyurl.com/nmzkda). Eliza stopped and asked, "Your what?" and they both kind of stared at them. I think Eliza was interested and Joss wanted to make sure he wasn't signing some kind of contract.

Afterwards I met up with Preston Stelford (Comic-Con 2007) someone I had met and bought dinner for two years ago. He remembered (I had forgotten) and bought me dinner. It was nice to hook up and catch up on a few things. :)

Saturday - Comic-Con Day 3
Hunted down Jason Palmer to buy shirts, lost the raffle for Dr. Horrible signing. Pretty relaxed day.

Dinner with Chris, Traci, Mathew Kelley (WoW), it was nice to have a rooftop grill and deck to relax on. :)

Sunday - Comic-Con Day 4
Grabbed some more autos from The Guild and wandered the halls a little bit, nothing special planned, I helped the CA Browncoats and attended their panel and I'm glad I did.

Nathan Fillion showed up and stole the show, he spoke for about half an hour (All on YouTube if you like) and then took some group photos. Then he went downstairs and did a signing, I got his name added to my Serenity 'Ship's Papers' (Her pink slips and other 'Official Papers')

After that it was a nice relaxed evening and packing to head home. :)

Overall
It was probably the most enjoyable con I have been to thus far (3 'San Diego Comic Con's, 2 'WonderCon's, and 'Serenity Salute'). I was able to meet up with a lot of people I never thought I would, hang out at The Guild VIP party, and collect auto's (including the beloved Joss Whedon one).

What also really helped was having a good time outside of the convention, the dinners and drives were all very enjoyable and I look forward to going again next year.

Goodbye

I had a dream that Crystal had sent me a letter. I opened this letter and inside was a drawing, a comic of sorts. In the first panel our Sheep (if you knew us, we had this little plush sheep we used to carry around and pretend was our child) was holding a scroll and the dialogue was "This scroll shows just how dispirate [sic] the ninja clan is." He was speaking to a rat (one of his plush companions). Now upon the next panel, using dream logic, I was now holding the scroll. The scroll had a poem that was difficult to understand and read, as per dream rules. The scroll crumbled as I read it, I know this because at the bottom was her signature with a heart and by the end her signature and the heart were gone.

I don't recall much of the poem but I do remember the second half of the last line:

"know when the home you go to isn't home anymore"

Now obviously the subject of the line is missing and makes a great deal of difference but a the time I came to interpret it as a sort of goodbye. That the home she and I used to call home wasn't home anymore for her. For this I wept.

In her removal of me from her life, I never really got a clean ending. Even if it wasn't really from here, even if it was from my own subconcious, I finally got a goodbye.

I know you'll never read this, Crystal, but I love you and wish you the best.

Goodbye.

Starting to feel like a burden to everyone again, friends and relatives alike.

I know I already posted about all this but I need to get it out, just like Danyo does on his blog. (Which makes me feel a lot closer to him than I used to. Hopefully some of you feel the same.) Nikita and I spoke a bit and she said she will always think of me as her "big brother."

If that's all I can be for now, or ever, I guess I will have to make do and hope that maybe someday in the future, the stars realign and give us more. Though in all probability it won't. In all likelihood I feel that I'll carry my feelings below the surface until she finds someone new, it'll break my heart, and then I'll be forced to move on.

I splled my feelings out on the floor one last time and gave her a last heartfelt set of voicemails and am going to try to leave it at that. From here on out I'm gonna try to control my emotions and not let them control me. (After watching Star Trek three times, I actually got a lesson out of it that related to my life.)

So that's it. I'm going to pine after her and wait for her until she moves on. But I'm going to keep my mouth shut about it. It's not a good plan, but after my whole ordeal with Crystal, I know myself well enough to know it to be true.

Most people would say to cut her out of my life, but I think this will be a good learning experience for me and I'll grow as much from this as I did with Crystal. If you're worried about my pain and suffering, I've been a lot better at coping with it than with Crystal, while I may be sad at times I'm not suicidal and I'm doing my best to not let it keep me down.

I think I've said my piece. More after the clock spins a few more times.

Nikita

My name is Nathan Tamayo, I am 25 years old and I have done nothing in my life that I am proud of.

Those of you who have enough interest to read this are wondering why I am grieving. I broke up with a girl who I found amazing due to the difficulty of the circumstances. But it pains me much because we broke up not because we didn't work together, but because the timing was all wrong. It's best to be apart, a decision she made. It's a strange thing for a person so much younger than you to be more mature than you, but I admire and actually look for that in a woman. Because I'm childish and naive for an adult. (Though I have to admit that I don't want to change that.)

Many people did not like the relationship for various reasons, all justified and valid. I stood against those who protested and argued and I thanked those that supported, though there were relatively few. The fact of the matter is now you all have the right to say, "I told you so." Which is fine, I knew what I was getting into.

But let me say this: It was worth it.

I drove over two thousand miles [I counted. (Enough to drive to Seattle and back)], kept secrets, and cried for hours, but it was worth it. Every inch, every word unspoken, every tear.

Love is worth it.

Every breath, every moment.

My friend Jennie once told me, "Love is time." I know now why she believes that.

We never got passed holding hands and I wouldn't have asked for anything more. It was brief but it was powerful, and she is stronger for it, I'm sure. It was a great experience for both of us and we now have some good memories, though right now they may be painful for me to look back on. We've grown from the experience and I'm glad for that.

My name is Nathan Tamayo, I'm 25 years old and I have done nothing I am proud of, until now. I helped someone I care about discover strength, maturity, and love.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't, they never were."

I believe that love is sacrifice.

If love is sacrifice then there is no greater sacrifice than love itself for the good of the other person.

I love you, I always will.

Words

I'm sitting at my keyboard, trying to find something to write. I'm not particularly articulate or anything, but I used to think that I could just start typing and explain my thoughts and my feelings relatively well.

Until just now.

I have this feeling of uncertainty, and insecurity. Like nothing in my life is under my control. And while this may be the case, I don't always feel that way. Now is one of those times, I guess.

I don't know what to say to who, I don't know how they would react if I said it.

I think what this is is frustration. I'm frustrated, that no matter what I do or try to get a hold of things, nothing is under control. I rely on fate and chance for everything. I have no solid plans, no direction, and no way out of the way things are.

I'm at a dead end.

I'm going nowhere.

The only thing I can do is sit and wait. See if things work out. See what the future holds. My hands are tied and I feel impotent.

Powerless. Even my words have failed me.

I'm powerless.

Change.

One of my friends recently updated his blog and it struck me deeply. I don't know why or what he said that effected me so but it did. I'm already having trouble writing this and nothing has been said, most of it I want to save for my book so I'll just say that I am a hurricane of emotions. I've said hat before on many occasions some good, and some bad. I'm feeling lost.

Of all my friends that I've spoken to about my current status in love I've had only one person back me all the way and most are in the "no go" column. I've always been very unsure about my decisions and lacked confidence so I turn to my friends, ask their opinions. They're my litmus paper for society.

But "the heart wants what the heart wants" and while I was in a similar place months ago, she moved and has moved on beyond me. This new girl is in the same place she was so the thought of her forgetting me when she moves nags at me from the shadows.

Along with the moving issue there's another issue that is a holdup for most people and that is age. It's a pretty big one and one that is well founded but I have waited years to meet someone that I could probably stand a few years apart. I say this now of course, I have always been known to be fickle in the past.

(speaking of which I am planning on learning the violin this year. i swear)

I don't know what else to write here so I'm going to write a project now.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like nothing is worth doing and no one is worth loving.

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming at a wall. Nothing moves. Nothing changes.

I'm the only person like me. I'm unique. Different.

I will find no one I can connect with.

I'm judgmental, extreme, passionate. I love and hate, I can do nothing in between. I would die for you, or I would like to kill you.

I hate being this way but it's the only way I know how to be. People tell me to change what I don't like about myself. Maybe I feel like there's nothing wrong with me, and that it's everyone else that needs to change.

I sound like a pompous, egotistical asshole, but maybe that's who I am.

is it weird that most people stress about their jobs, school, bills, and crap like that, none of that concerns me. I just want evryone to get along, be happy, have fun, and to be loved? i feel like i'm not driven to the same goals as anyone else. that i won't be successful in life in the way most of my peers want to be. that i look like i have no direction and that i'm a slacker. but to be honest i really don't fucking care that i won't be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a business person. i just want to be loved and happy....

Hmm

It's been a while since I posted hasn't it?

I was just thinking as I watched the closing ceremony of the Olympic Games, that it's one of the few things that gives me some hope in humanity.

It shows we can come together as people of different creeds and get along, even for just a little while.

Freedom.

Perhaps I'm too free, and my family is too accepting and forgiving. I'm not saying it's bad, but i was thinking if I grew up in a society that said, "You have to do this and you have to become this," then I wouldn't feel like I have no qualities, or no goals. I feel like there are so many options I can't decide which is best.

I'm bitching because I have too much. Isn't that always the way?

Good morning?

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream. I don't know how or why, but I had the strrangest state of mind. I was completely awake, and my mind was thinking extremely clearly. I was able to look at things from an outside perspective without emotion.

I thought about Crystal and her current state and was understanding of the fact that she's living the life she wants. There were other things I thought of without emotion as well, and was able to map out peoples current situations and understanding where they're at and where they're going. Without anger, without envy, just knowing.

I thought I was having another anxiety attack, something that hasn't happened for a long time, that's how out of body I felt.

It was strange to say the least but only lasted for about half an hour before my mind went back it's "normal" state, clouded by emotion and going off on tangents.

On another note I thought of a great idea for a documentary but I lack the resources to ake it plausable. I'll probably approach some people for their opinion over the next week or so to see if it's a good idea and if so, what they can contribute.

on rebirth

i want to come back as a hurricane

Things I learned in the bath

1. I used to have a nightmare, a recurring one, or is it a memory?
I've had this dream enough times to e convinced it really happened.
I'm a small child at an Easter party. We're near a hill and have just
completed an egg hunt. All of my fellow children have gathered around
and are holding balloons. A clown is nearby giving us instructions.
When he says "go" we are all to release our balloons. Everyone has
white, yellow, or pastel blue. Except me, mine is red.

Upon some mistake I mishear something and release my balloon, it flies
up and away. The only red balloon floating up into the sky while the
rest of the children hold fast to their own.

I'm different, alone, I had the best intention but it goes to waste
and makes me an outcast. My mother tells my sister to share her
balloon string with me so I stop crying. I only manage to
slow my weeping. I awaken, anxious and sad.

I use to think this meant I would always be different and alone in the
world, that I would be like no one else, but apparently I was so busy
being sad about that that I didn't realize that my sister was there to
share what she had. That if I lost something, she would comfort me,
and that I wasn't quite alone.

2. I will never be in a happy relationship. That is by "never," I mean
"foreseeable future," because I don't love myself, and everyone has
been telling me lately that the best relationships are between two
people that love themselves.

3. I hate being different, being "me," but I refuse to change. I don't
like being different from everyone else, I feel alone, an outcast, as
I called myself as a teenager, a "Perpetual Pariah." Though, I am
judgmental, ignorant, and a fool, so I refuse to be like anyone else.
To change my ways, the way I dress, the things I do. It's a catch-22
of self-loathing. I want to belong but I don't want to belong to any
group of people I know of. Woody Allen said, "I wouldn't want to join
any club that would have me as a member," and while a different
notion, it is somewhat similar.

4. I believe in nothing. The one thing I do believe is that everyone
should believe in something, but I myself believe in nothing. Strange,
I know, another paradox. I don't believe in God, in humanity, in love,
and of course, I don't believe in myself. Where does this leave me?
Nowhere good, I suppose. I lack the one thing I think is most important.

5. I am destined to be mediocre. Some people are meant to become
heroes, or celebrities, doctors, rich, or whatnot. I think I'm
destined to be a nobody. A person who's sole purpose is to be a cog in
the machine, important but not special. I'm here to be a comparison,
to be a an extra in the movie of your life. A motivator, a supporting
character. Light needs shadow, and love needs hate. I'm mediocre, so
you can be great.

6. If I am destined for anything besides medicrity, then it is to be a
giver of joy. To literally give away my joy. To find people who are
sad, depressed, or feel worthless, prove to them they are not, but
learn something about myself I dislike in the process. I will make
others happy at the expense of my own happiness. When I'm out of joy,
I'll be left a bitter, hollow man.

7. Envy is my Cardinal Sin. Not Avarice, I don't want things. I want
things so I can be "better" than you. I judge you because I want to be
you. I want everything... that you have.

8. I don't understand how people can separate love and sex (one night
stands, etc) even if I do it myself via pornography.

9. Bathing is relaxing and better than pacing, or lying in bed.

10. Life sucks.

What is love?

Love is the tyrant of the emotions, the eater of the mind, and the destroyer of worlds.

More lives have been destroyed, devastated, and defiled by love, than have of any other cause. The Love of God, the Love of Country, and the Love of Power.

Surely as love can bring people together, it can rip them asunder. It can crush nations, it can bring men to their knees, and it can make me write cliches.

Love is a lie.

Love will show you want you want, tell you you need it, and once you have it, tell you that you love it. But sometimes, most of the time, all of the time, you find that it's not quite what you asked for. That the thing you wanted, "needed," and now have, is neither, nor, and not.

Love is neutral.

We are raised to believe that love is a good thing, an emotion that should be cherished and shared with few. But as we grow we learn that love is the most treacherous of emotions. It hurts to want it, it hurts to lose it, and only in having it, is it any good.

Love conquers all things, even itself.

Love is sacrifice.

Whether you sacrifice time, money, or your body, is up to you. But it is unquestionably the emotion of sacrifice. John 3:16, is the Christian version of love, if you have any doubt whatsoever.

To sacrifice ones own love so that another may be free to love another.

To sacrifice your love for one person for the love of another.

To sacrifice one kind of love for another, romantic for platonic and vice versa.

Those are the greatest forms of love, and sacrifice.

What are you willing to sacrifice for love? Do not mistake that question for this one: What would you sacrifice to have love? Everyone wants love, many people would give an arm and a leg to be loved. That is not the question.

What would you sacrifice for someone or something else that you love? Would you take a bullet for your fellow man? Would you die for your country? Would you let your love fade away so that the other person could be happy?

What is love?

Love is sacrifice.

Alex?

A while back I posted about a woman I had in my dreams, a red-headed girl who accompanied me through a lot of strange things. Zombies, roller-skating, running through dream-malls.

I said I had decided to name her Alex, but upon some reflection, maybe she's Michelle Mellick, the first girl I ever loved, that turned out to be a construct of two girls. She never really existed but my friend just said, "She was real to you."

And it's true, she was real to me. The long hours spent in chatroom Apartment 204, talking and the game sessions from our old Resident Evil Role-Playing Game.

The digital flowers, the digital kisses, the night I listened to Lauren Hill's I Need You Baby on repeat. The hours of phone cards spent with Kim-cum-Michelle.

The night I spent crying when I found out she wasn't real, listening to Viva Forever. It all happened, and even if she wasn't a real person, it meant something to me.

Dammit, she meant something to me.

Perhaps.

Perhaps it's my lot in life to help others. To be the guy who makes you feel better, pick you up when you're down, dispel your fears.

But in order to do so, I give away a part of my joy, so that another could have it. To share my love and give it away. To sacrifice my joy for another's.

Phillip once said that perhaps my role was to lead, to bring people together and help things along, but that it was a double edged sword. That since I knew all, saw all, I couldn't be happy. That it as lonely at the top.

It's lonely at the top.

So very lonely.

Starlight

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold

(I didn't really want to resort to this on my blog but I can't help but want to post this.)

Tick Tock

It's strange to me how the heart can so easily effect the mind with emotion but not the other way around. It's a one way street but in the end the mind is the one making the final decisions.

It reminds me of a couple, and not wanting to get political but it reminds me of the leader of a country. Whether it be a king and queen or the president and the first lady (and perhaps in a few months a first gentleman?) .

Where one has the lead but listens heavily to the other. Is all of creation meant to work in tandem as such?

I'm getting off topic. What I meant to get into was the fact that it's quite bothersome how my emotions cloud my actions and thoughts, but I can't ask them to stop.

I've gotten the advice to not try and control them, but it's difficult not to let them control me. I feel like a slave to my own heart. It tells me one thing but my mind knows it's a bunch of nonsense.

In a related problem the more I attempt to avoid the undesired emotion or train of thought, the more I end up in it. Like quicksand, I can't seem to find a way out. Also, it's not something I can distance myself from easily. The only thing I can do is bite my lip and hope either the time or the feeling passes, but they are long hours, and in one way, I don't want to avoid my emotions because they come so natural.

I'm talking in circles aren't I? To sum it up, I can't help but feel a way, I can't avoid it, though I like it, and I know it's all futile. The only thing I can do is hope either the situation or the feeling passes, but I feel like not acting on my feelings is a form of self-denial.

Time will tell.