is it weird that most people stress about their jobs, school, bills, and crap like that, none of that concerns me. I just want evryone to get along, be happy, have fun, and to be loved? i feel like i'm not driven to the same goals as anyone else. that i won't be successful in life in the way most of my peers want to be. that i look like i have no direction and that i'm a slacker. but to be honest i really don't fucking care that i won't be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a business person. i just want to be loved and happy....

Hmm

It's been a while since I posted hasn't it?

I was just thinking as I watched the closing ceremony of the Olympic Games, that it's one of the few things that gives me some hope in humanity.

It shows we can come together as people of different creeds and get along, even for just a little while.

Freedom.

Perhaps I'm too free, and my family is too accepting and forgiving. I'm not saying it's bad, but i was thinking if I grew up in a society that said, "You have to do this and you have to become this," then I wouldn't feel like I have no qualities, or no goals. I feel like there are so many options I can't decide which is best.

I'm bitching because I have too much. Isn't that always the way?

Good morning?

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream. I don't know how or why, but I had the strrangest state of mind. I was completely awake, and my mind was thinking extremely clearly. I was able to look at things from an outside perspective without emotion.

I thought about Crystal and her current state and was understanding of the fact that she's living the life she wants. There were other things I thought of without emotion as well, and was able to map out peoples current situations and understanding where they're at and where they're going. Without anger, without envy, just knowing.

I thought I was having another anxiety attack, something that hasn't happened for a long time, that's how out of body I felt.

It was strange to say the least but only lasted for about half an hour before my mind went back it's "normal" state, clouded by emotion and going off on tangents.

On another note I thought of a great idea for a documentary but I lack the resources to ake it plausable. I'll probably approach some people for their opinion over the next week or so to see if it's a good idea and if so, what they can contribute.

on rebirth

i want to come back as a hurricane

Things I learned in the bath

1. I used to have a nightmare, a recurring one, or is it a memory?
I've had this dream enough times to e convinced it really happened.
I'm a small child at an Easter party. We're near a hill and have just
completed an egg hunt. All of my fellow children have gathered around
and are holding balloons. A clown is nearby giving us instructions.
When he says "go" we are all to release our balloons. Everyone has
white, yellow, or pastel blue. Except me, mine is red.

Upon some mistake I mishear something and release my balloon, it flies
up and away. The only red balloon floating up into the sky while the
rest of the children hold fast to their own.

I'm different, alone, I had the best intention but it goes to waste
and makes me an outcast. My mother tells my sister to share her
balloon string with me so I stop crying. I only manage to
slow my weeping. I awaken, anxious and sad.

I use to think this meant I would always be different and alone in the
world, that I would be like no one else, but apparently I was so busy
being sad about that that I didn't realize that my sister was there to
share what she had. That if I lost something, she would comfort me,
and that I wasn't quite alone.

2. I will never be in a happy relationship. That is by "never," I mean
"foreseeable future," because I don't love myself, and everyone has
been telling me lately that the best relationships are between two
people that love themselves.

3. I hate being different, being "me," but I refuse to change. I don't
like being different from everyone else, I feel alone, an outcast, as
I called myself as a teenager, a "Perpetual Pariah." Though, I am
judgmental, ignorant, and a fool, so I refuse to be like anyone else.
To change my ways, the way I dress, the things I do. It's a catch-22
of self-loathing. I want to belong but I don't want to belong to any
group of people I know of. Woody Allen said, "I wouldn't want to join
any club that would have me as a member," and while a different
notion, it is somewhat similar.

4. I believe in nothing. The one thing I do believe is that everyone
should believe in something, but I myself believe in nothing. Strange,
I know, another paradox. I don't believe in God, in humanity, in love,
and of course, I don't believe in myself. Where does this leave me?
Nowhere good, I suppose. I lack the one thing I think is most important.

5. I am destined to be mediocre. Some people are meant to become
heroes, or celebrities, doctors, rich, or whatnot. I think I'm
destined to be a nobody. A person who's sole purpose is to be a cog in
the machine, important but not special. I'm here to be a comparison,
to be a an extra in the movie of your life. A motivator, a supporting
character. Light needs shadow, and love needs hate. I'm mediocre, so
you can be great.

6. If I am destined for anything besides medicrity, then it is to be a
giver of joy. To literally give away my joy. To find people who are
sad, depressed, or feel worthless, prove to them they are not, but
learn something about myself I dislike in the process. I will make
others happy at the expense of my own happiness. When I'm out of joy,
I'll be left a bitter, hollow man.

7. Envy is my Cardinal Sin. Not Avarice, I don't want things. I want
things so I can be "better" than you. I judge you because I want to be
you. I want everything... that you have.

8. I don't understand how people can separate love and sex (one night
stands, etc) even if I do it myself via pornography.

9. Bathing is relaxing and better than pacing, or lying in bed.

10. Life sucks.

What is love?

Love is the tyrant of the emotions, the eater of the mind, and the destroyer of worlds.

More lives have been destroyed, devastated, and defiled by love, than have of any other cause. The Love of God, the Love of Country, and the Love of Power.

Surely as love can bring people together, it can rip them asunder. It can crush nations, it can bring men to their knees, and it can make me write cliches.

Love is a lie.

Love will show you want you want, tell you you need it, and once you have it, tell you that you love it. But sometimes, most of the time, all of the time, you find that it's not quite what you asked for. That the thing you wanted, "needed," and now have, is neither, nor, and not.

Love is neutral.

We are raised to believe that love is a good thing, an emotion that should be cherished and shared with few. But as we grow we learn that love is the most treacherous of emotions. It hurts to want it, it hurts to lose it, and only in having it, is it any good.

Love conquers all things, even itself.

Love is sacrifice.

Whether you sacrifice time, money, or your body, is up to you. But it is unquestionably the emotion of sacrifice. John 3:16, is the Christian version of love, if you have any doubt whatsoever.

To sacrifice ones own love so that another may be free to love another.

To sacrifice your love for one person for the love of another.

To sacrifice one kind of love for another, romantic for platonic and vice versa.

Those are the greatest forms of love, and sacrifice.

What are you willing to sacrifice for love? Do not mistake that question for this one: What would you sacrifice to have love? Everyone wants love, many people would give an arm and a leg to be loved. That is not the question.

What would you sacrifice for someone or something else that you love? Would you take a bullet for your fellow man? Would you die for your country? Would you let your love fade away so that the other person could be happy?

What is love?

Love is sacrifice.

Alex?

A while back I posted about a woman I had in my dreams, a red-headed girl who accompanied me through a lot of strange things. Zombies, roller-skating, running through dream-malls.

I said I had decided to name her Alex, but upon some reflection, maybe she's Michelle Mellick, the first girl I ever loved, that turned out to be a construct of two girls. She never really existed but my friend just said, "She was real to you."

And it's true, she was real to me. The long hours spent in chatroom Apartment 204, talking and the game sessions from our old Resident Evil Role-Playing Game.

The digital flowers, the digital kisses, the night I listened to Lauren Hill's I Need You Baby on repeat. The hours of phone cards spent with Kim-cum-Michelle.

The night I spent crying when I found out she wasn't real, listening to Viva Forever. It all happened, and even if she wasn't a real person, it meant something to me.

Dammit, she meant something to me.

Perhaps.

Perhaps it's my lot in life to help others. To be the guy who makes you feel better, pick you up when you're down, dispel your fears.

But in order to do so, I give away a part of my joy, so that another could have it. To share my love and give it away. To sacrifice my joy for another's.

Phillip once said that perhaps my role was to lead, to bring people together and help things along, but that it was a double edged sword. That since I knew all, saw all, I couldn't be happy. That it as lonely at the top.

It's lonely at the top.

So very lonely.

Starlight

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold

(I didn't really want to resort to this on my blog but I can't help but want to post this.)

Tick Tock

It's strange to me how the heart can so easily effect the mind with emotion but not the other way around. It's a one way street but in the end the mind is the one making the final decisions.

It reminds me of a couple, and not wanting to get political but it reminds me of the leader of a country. Whether it be a king and queen or the president and the first lady (and perhaps in a few months a first gentleman?) .

Where one has the lead but listens heavily to the other. Is all of creation meant to work in tandem as such?

I'm getting off topic. What I meant to get into was the fact that it's quite bothersome how my emotions cloud my actions and thoughts, but I can't ask them to stop.

I've gotten the advice to not try and control them, but it's difficult not to let them control me. I feel like a slave to my own heart. It tells me one thing but my mind knows it's a bunch of nonsense.

In a related problem the more I attempt to avoid the undesired emotion or train of thought, the more I end up in it. Like quicksand, I can't seem to find a way out. Also, it's not something I can distance myself from easily. The only thing I can do is bite my lip and hope either the time or the feeling passes, but they are long hours, and in one way, I don't want to avoid my emotions because they come so natural.

I'm talking in circles aren't I? To sum it up, I can't help but feel a way, I can't avoid it, though I like it, and I know it's all futile. The only thing I can do is hope either the situation or the feeling passes, but I feel like not acting on my feelings is a form of self-denial.

Time will tell.

...

I dreamt about him this morning. I hate him. I don't think I'll ever forgive anyone.

-_-;

So I was gripping today on Paola's shoot and I dropped a light. No one was hurt and the light was fine but I was so embaressed. :(

Sometimes I just want physical affection.

Recurring Dreams

Manye people have recurring dreams, or nightmares. I have my own, from losing a red baloon to the wind, over and over again, while everyone hangs on to their own, to being unable to control the car I'm driving (one I've had since I was 12, which probably kept me off the road in addition to lack of zeal).

One particularly famous one I have is where Bruce Willis is trying to kill me, chasing me down streets and alleys of what I think is New York.

While recurring dreams are not unheard of, is it strange to have recurring a character in different dreams? Is it stranger still if the person does not exist?

I've had this woman in my dreams. She's caucasian, tall, lithe, plain faced, her hair an unnatural red. When I was younger, so was she. A neighbor I had who skateboarded into my garage. She'd help me up, when I fell. She rarely speaks.

Sometimes she's just an aquantance. Sometimes I save her. More often than not, she saves me.

She changes her hair quite often, short long, light red, dark red. Sometimes I never see her face, but I wake up, knowing it's her.

Who is she? I once thought she was my guardian angel, until I had to help her in the sewers, before we were overtaken by zombies.

The more I think about it, the more I'm unsure.

Whoever she is, wherever she is, it's been some time since I've seen her, and I miss her. I lay in bed sometimes, in the half-sleep that brings us many revelations, hoping that when I awake, I'll still remember holding her hand, or her cajoling actions.

If you're out there, Alex, come see me sometime, I need a companion.

(She's never given me her name, I just decided the name fit her well.)

Again

I'm daydreaming again. I was reading on Borders when I realized I
didn't recall what was on the last paragraph.

I don't know if it was the two beers I had at Pete's to calm me down
from thinking about dropping out of school.

I daydream to escape reality, of better times and better places.
Things I'd rather do and people I'd rather be with, but this time it
wasn't too far fetched.

I decided I might want to forgo my evening class, go home and take a
ride to my friends house. I'd wait until she got of work, invite her
to sit with me and just talk.

We'd talk and watch the stars come out. Maybe I'd fall asleep in the
car and she'd lock me in.

Maybe I'd just go home.

I snapped out of it when I realized she might say no, and I don't know
where she lives.

---

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I fall in love with every woman who
so much as smiles at me?

It's sad to think there's something wrong with me, or that I'm just a
big lecher. I don't mean to crush easily.

It's unfair that they're taken, gay, or otherwise uninterested.

I hate that I don't know how to talk to them without being
overbearing. That I can't tell what they'd find romantic or just
strange.

Should I just blurt it out? Should I just see what develops? I'd hate
to ruin a frindship, and I'd hate to embaress myself. Is it worse to
never try at all, to never take the chance?

Why is it so hard? I just don't watch opportunities go by. I miss
having a companion. Someone to hold and to be held, but I'm more
scared of being shut out.

Why is it I can't have my cake and eat it to?

I'm crushing over someone again.

And I hate it.

---

Reality is not a place I want to be, I'd rather live inside my head.

It's been quite some time.

But I just thought I should post the fact that I'm no longer depressed, after almost a whole year since my hospitalization.

I was in the shower (where most of my revelations come, that why I take such long ones) when I realized I hadn't felt depressed for almost three weeks. I'm rather impressed with myself. Now my room is clean and I'm going to find time to work out.

I've even begun writing again! Yes, finally, I will make a series of them and hopefully produce them for youtube as a miniseries! I just need dedicated actors, as the rest of thecrew will be, well, me.

Wish me luck!

One day.

I go to bed an wake up depressed a lot. I contemplate disappearing on a
bus or plane to nowhere and dying in the streets of another city, fading
from the lives of my loved ones.

I make elaborate plans and think of things I would write down or say
before fellating a firearm. Walking into traffic. Drinking antifreeze.

I hate myself for being depressed, saying I should be stronger. I
nitpick at the things I wish I could be better at.

I wish I was good at something.

Hours pass and this phase of self-loathing and self-destructive thoughts
disappears. I go throughout my day smiling, distracting, going about my
business and feeling fine for hours (or days) at a time.

But one day the phase won't pass. One day I won't feel fine. One day
I'll go through with it.

Will it be today?