-_-;

So I was gripping today on Paola's shoot and I dropped a light. No one was hurt and the light was fine but I was so embaressed. :(

Sometimes I just want physical affection.

Recurring Dreams

Manye people have recurring dreams, or nightmares. I have my own, from losing a red baloon to the wind, over and over again, while everyone hangs on to their own, to being unable to control the car I'm driving (one I've had since I was 12, which probably kept me off the road in addition to lack of zeal).

One particularly famous one I have is where Bruce Willis is trying to kill me, chasing me down streets and alleys of what I think is New York.

While recurring dreams are not unheard of, is it strange to have recurring a character in different dreams? Is it stranger still if the person does not exist?

I've had this woman in my dreams. She's caucasian, tall, lithe, plain faced, her hair an unnatural red. When I was younger, so was she. A neighbor I had who skateboarded into my garage. She'd help me up, when I fell. She rarely speaks.

Sometimes she's just an aquantance. Sometimes I save her. More often than not, she saves me.

She changes her hair quite often, short long, light red, dark red. Sometimes I never see her face, but I wake up, knowing it's her.

Who is she? I once thought she was my guardian angel, until I had to help her in the sewers, before we were overtaken by zombies.

The more I think about it, the more I'm unsure.

Whoever she is, wherever she is, it's been some time since I've seen her, and I miss her. I lay in bed sometimes, in the half-sleep that brings us many revelations, hoping that when I awake, I'll still remember holding her hand, or her cajoling actions.

If you're out there, Alex, come see me sometime, I need a companion.

(She's never given me her name, I just decided the name fit her well.)

Again

I'm daydreaming again. I was reading on Borders when I realized I
didn't recall what was on the last paragraph.

I don't know if it was the two beers I had at Pete's to calm me down
from thinking about dropping out of school.

I daydream to escape reality, of better times and better places.
Things I'd rather do and people I'd rather be with, but this time it
wasn't too far fetched.

I decided I might want to forgo my evening class, go home and take a
ride to my friends house. I'd wait until she got of work, invite her
to sit with me and just talk.

We'd talk and watch the stars come out. Maybe I'd fall asleep in the
car and she'd lock me in.

Maybe I'd just go home.

I snapped out of it when I realized she might say no, and I don't know
where she lives.

---

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I fall in love with every woman who
so much as smiles at me?

It's sad to think there's something wrong with me, or that I'm just a
big lecher. I don't mean to crush easily.

It's unfair that they're taken, gay, or otherwise uninterested.

I hate that I don't know how to talk to them without being
overbearing. That I can't tell what they'd find romantic or just
strange.

Should I just blurt it out? Should I just see what develops? I'd hate
to ruin a frindship, and I'd hate to embaress myself. Is it worse to
never try at all, to never take the chance?

Why is it so hard? I just don't watch opportunities go by. I miss
having a companion. Someone to hold and to be held, but I'm more
scared of being shut out.

Why is it I can't have my cake and eat it to?

I'm crushing over someone again.

And I hate it.

---

Reality is not a place I want to be, I'd rather live inside my head.

It's been quite some time.

But I just thought I should post the fact that I'm no longer depressed, after almost a whole year since my hospitalization.

I was in the shower (where most of my revelations come, that why I take such long ones) when I realized I hadn't felt depressed for almost three weeks. I'm rather impressed with myself. Now my room is clean and I'm going to find time to work out.

I've even begun writing again! Yes, finally, I will make a series of them and hopefully produce them for youtube as a miniseries! I just need dedicated actors, as the rest of thecrew will be, well, me.

Wish me luck!

One day.

I go to bed an wake up depressed a lot. I contemplate disappearing on a
bus or plane to nowhere and dying in the streets of another city, fading
from the lives of my loved ones.

I make elaborate plans and think of things I would write down or say
before fellating a firearm. Walking into traffic. Drinking antifreeze.

I hate myself for being depressed, saying I should be stronger. I
nitpick at the things I wish I could be better at.

I wish I was good at something.

Hours pass and this phase of self-loathing and self-destructive thoughts
disappears. I go throughout my day smiling, distracting, going about my
business and feeling fine for hours (or days) at a time.

But one day the phase won't pass. One day I won't feel fine. One day
I'll go through with it.

Will it be today?

Lies

As I get older I find myself more and more disappointed with human beings. Why do we raise our children with lies and not uphold them ourselves?

Is it a passive aggressive way of changing the world? "It's too much work to be a good person, so you do it."