Hm.

I had the strangest experience this morning that borders on terrifying. I lay in bed half awake and half asleep. It's not unusual for many people to hear real world events within their dreams. This experience was similar except that I had one eye open.

On the right side of my field of vision I was laying in bed, looking out my window (As I was in real life) but the rest of me, my consciousness and the left side of my vision was wandering around my room, preparing to go to work.

I realized what was happening when I tried to look around because I had suddenly become lost in my own bedroom. So I made a panicked dash for my bed, where my body lay. I have a loft bed and trying to climb it while one eye was disoriented/blurred/blind while the other was staring out a window was difficult. I climbed the ladder by feel alone.

I only woke when I had finally gotten up and lay in the position my body was in. That was strange too, because all that happened is my consciousness joined my body, and my left eye opened.

The part that scares me is you hear cases of people undergoing surgery but being conscious about it, trapped in their own body, and I realize now that I'm actually quite capable of that.

Very strange morning, I'll tell you.

Nathan's Comic-con '09

Many people have asked me how Comic Con went so I'll give a quick rundown.

Monday - Prepwork
Chris (WoW) and I went to rent our trip car (my car has no AC and 1k miles over a week would make it sad) and were going to get a 2010 Mazda 3, but the guy ran over a tire and tied on the damaged parts with zip ties. So we got a free upgrade to a Toyota Prius, which, while tight, got good mileage.

Met up with Traci (WoW)'s mom for dinner, hit the timeshare and unpacked. Met up with Eva Chan (The Guild) who needed a bed for one night and crashed.

Tuesday - Free Time
Wandered San Diego with Eva, had sushi like we promised, it was nice to have a day to just relax.

Picked up Daniela Figueiredo (The Guild) from the airport with Jenni Powell (The Guild) and met Sam Proof (Jenni Powell). Had a delicious dinner at The Field and then drinks across the street at the Marble Room.

There we met up with the webmaster Edgar Garcia (The Guild). It was an international meeting of Guildies as Lydia (Germany), Dani (Brazil), Eva (Canada), Naseeb (also Canada), and Matt (Illinois is like another country, right?) Edgar (also IL) mingled with the Californians.

Wednesday - Preview Night!
Went shopping in the exhibition room, got my The Guild autographs and called it early since it got out at 9.

Thursday - Comic-Con Day 1
Bit more shopping and collected tickets for various signings the following day.

I wasn't going to originally but I got talked into doing The Guild's scavenger hunt and I am glad I did (Thanks all. :) )Doing so got me into The Guild's VIP and X-Box party where I got to hang out with The Guild's cast and got to meet Maurissa Tancharoen. (She was with Jed Whedon but he was busy talking to other people.) Ray Park made an appearance but I was too dumbfounded and boozed (OPEN BAR) at that point to even say 'hi.' (Star Wars' 'Darth Maul', X-Men's 'Toad', as well as the upcoming G.I. Joe's 'Snake Eyes')

Friday - Comic-Con Day 2
Woke up early to fight for Coraline signing tickets, which became a fiasco. Convention Center staff had to yell at the giant crowd for half an hour to keep moving, so we walked in circles. When the random drawing happened the event planner ruined the randomness by giving tickets out to people for different reasons. While random reasons, it was still an unfair way to speed up something that was supposedly plain luck. Instead he gave them out to people who were in costume, etc.

This really upset Chris, Traci, and I (all of us in line for myself) so Chris had some strong words with the event runner afterward, and after some time and uncomfortable raised voices, eventually Chris got him to give out an extra bracelet, which he gave to me. (Thanks again Chris!) After getting the beyond-last bracelet for the signing I went to pick up the last Coraline Blu-Ray (which Traci hunted down by calling a bazillion stores) and the last copy of Coraline at Borders. My luck was amazing that morning, I must say.

12:30 rolled around to get my autographs from the scheduled talent: Neil Gaiman (Book Author), Keith David (Voice of The Cat), Henry Selick (Production Designer).  When who shows up to sign as well? The beautiful Teri Hatcher (Various voices, most notably both mother's). I was so nervous when I got to Neil Gaiman I said, "I love everything." What I meant to say was I loved all his work, but I was too flabbergasted. He politely responded with, "I love everything, too."

I had lunch with Chris and Traci, our only restaraunt meal the entire trip, and it was nice to just sit and talk. Afterwards we returned to the center so I could get in line for the Dollhouse signing.

To make a long story short the gigantic 3 hour line was so poorly organized by Fox that convention center employees had to help and block off two aisles for us. Then the talent arrived: Joss Whedon (Executive Producer, Writer), Eliza Dushku (Executive Producer, Lead Actress 'Echo'), Fran Kranz (Actor ' 'Topher'), Dichen Lachman (Actress 'Sierra'). The line collapsed into a huge pushing match for the one entrance as time began to run short. I thought I'd never get in as the clock hit 6:55. As a consolation for those who were rushed towards the end Enver Gjokaj (Actor, 'Victor') showed up and we were able to get his autograph as well.

So I was rushed by most of the talent but when I got to Joss I asked him to sign my Ship's Papers (http://tinyurl.com/nmzkda). Eliza stopped and asked, "Your what?" and they both kind of stared at them. I think Eliza was interested and Joss wanted to make sure he wasn't signing some kind of contract.

Afterwards I met up with Preston Stelford (Comic-Con 2007) someone I had met and bought dinner for two years ago. He remembered (I had forgotten) and bought me dinner. It was nice to hook up and catch up on a few things. :)

Saturday - Comic-Con Day 3
Hunted down Jason Palmer to buy shirts, lost the raffle for Dr. Horrible signing. Pretty relaxed day.

Dinner with Chris, Traci, Mathew Kelley (WoW), it was nice to have a rooftop grill and deck to relax on. :)

Sunday - Comic-Con Day 4
Grabbed some more autos from The Guild and wandered the halls a little bit, nothing special planned, I helped the CA Browncoats and attended their panel and I'm glad I did.

Nathan Fillion showed up and stole the show, he spoke for about half an hour (All on YouTube if you like) and then took some group photos. Then he went downstairs and did a signing, I got his name added to my Serenity 'Ship's Papers' (Her pink slips and other 'Official Papers')

After that it was a nice relaxed evening and packing to head home. :)

Overall
It was probably the most enjoyable con I have been to thus far (3 'San Diego Comic Con's, 2 'WonderCon's, and 'Serenity Salute'). I was able to meet up with a lot of people I never thought I would, hang out at The Guild VIP party, and collect auto's (including the beloved Joss Whedon one).

What also really helped was having a good time outside of the convention, the dinners and drives were all very enjoyable and I look forward to going again next year.

Goodbye

I had a dream that Crystal had sent me a letter. I opened this letter and inside was a drawing, a comic of sorts. In the first panel our Sheep (if you knew us, we had this little plush sheep we used to carry around and pretend was our child) was holding a scroll and the dialogue was "This scroll shows just how dispirate [sic] the ninja clan is." He was speaking to a rat (one of his plush companions). Now upon the next panel, using dream logic, I was now holding the scroll. The scroll had a poem that was difficult to understand and read, as per dream rules. The scroll crumbled as I read it, I know this because at the bottom was her signature with a heart and by the end her signature and the heart were gone.

I don't recall much of the poem but I do remember the second half of the last line:

"know when the home you go to isn't home anymore"

Now obviously the subject of the line is missing and makes a great deal of difference but a the time I came to interpret it as a sort of goodbye. That the home she and I used to call home wasn't home anymore for her. For this I wept.

In her removal of me from her life, I never really got a clean ending. Even if it wasn't really from here, even if it was from my own subconcious, I finally got a goodbye.

I know you'll never read this, Crystal, but I love you and wish you the best.

Goodbye.

Starting to feel like a burden to everyone again, friends and relatives alike.

I know I already posted about all this but I need to get it out, just like Danyo does on his blog. (Which makes me feel a lot closer to him than I used to. Hopefully some of you feel the same.) Nikita and I spoke a bit and she said she will always think of me as her "big brother."

If that's all I can be for now, or ever, I guess I will have to make do and hope that maybe someday in the future, the stars realign and give us more. Though in all probability it won't. In all likelihood I feel that I'll carry my feelings below the surface until she finds someone new, it'll break my heart, and then I'll be forced to move on.

I splled my feelings out on the floor one last time and gave her a last heartfelt set of voicemails and am going to try to leave it at that. From here on out I'm gonna try to control my emotions and not let them control me. (After watching Star Trek three times, I actually got a lesson out of it that related to my life.)

So that's it. I'm going to pine after her and wait for her until she moves on. But I'm going to keep my mouth shut about it. It's not a good plan, but after my whole ordeal with Crystal, I know myself well enough to know it to be true.

Most people would say to cut her out of my life, but I think this will be a good learning experience for me and I'll grow as much from this as I did with Crystal. If you're worried about my pain and suffering, I've been a lot better at coping with it than with Crystal, while I may be sad at times I'm not suicidal and I'm doing my best to not let it keep me down.

I think I've said my piece. More after the clock spins a few more times.

Nikita

My name is Nathan Tamayo, I am 25 years old and I have done nothing in my life that I am proud of.

Those of you who have enough interest to read this are wondering why I am grieving. I broke up with a girl who I found amazing due to the difficulty of the circumstances. But it pains me much because we broke up not because we didn't work together, but because the timing was all wrong. It's best to be apart, a decision she made. It's a strange thing for a person so much younger than you to be more mature than you, but I admire and actually look for that in a woman. Because I'm childish and naive for an adult. (Though I have to admit that I don't want to change that.)

Many people did not like the relationship for various reasons, all justified and valid. I stood against those who protested and argued and I thanked those that supported, though there were relatively few. The fact of the matter is now you all have the right to say, "I told you so." Which is fine, I knew what I was getting into.

But let me say this: It was worth it.

I drove over two thousand miles [I counted. (Enough to drive to Seattle and back)], kept secrets, and cried for hours, but it was worth it. Every inch, every word unspoken, every tear.

Love is worth it.

Every breath, every moment.

My friend Jennie once told me, "Love is time." I know now why she believes that.

We never got passed holding hands and I wouldn't have asked for anything more. It was brief but it was powerful, and she is stronger for it, I'm sure. It was a great experience for both of us and we now have some good memories, though right now they may be painful for me to look back on. We've grown from the experience and I'm glad for that.

My name is Nathan Tamayo, I'm 25 years old and I have done nothing I am proud of, until now. I helped someone I care about discover strength, maturity, and love.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't, they never were."

I believe that love is sacrifice.

If love is sacrifice then there is no greater sacrifice than love itself for the good of the other person.

I love you, I always will.

Words

I'm sitting at my keyboard, trying to find something to write. I'm not particularly articulate or anything, but I used to think that I could just start typing and explain my thoughts and my feelings relatively well.

Until just now.

I have this feeling of uncertainty, and insecurity. Like nothing in my life is under my control. And while this may be the case, I don't always feel that way. Now is one of those times, I guess.

I don't know what to say to who, I don't know how they would react if I said it.

I think what this is is frustration. I'm frustrated, that no matter what I do or try to get a hold of things, nothing is under control. I rely on fate and chance for everything. I have no solid plans, no direction, and no way out of the way things are.

I'm at a dead end.

I'm going nowhere.

The only thing I can do is sit and wait. See if things work out. See what the future holds. My hands are tied and I feel impotent.

Powerless. Even my words have failed me.

I'm powerless.