I know I already posted about all this but I need to get it out, just like Danyo does on his blog. (Which makes me feel a lot closer to him than I used to. Hopefully some of you feel the same.) Nikita and I spoke a bit and she said she will always think of me as her "big brother."

If that's all I can be for now, or ever, I guess I will have to make do and hope that maybe someday in the future, the stars realign and give us more. Though in all probability it won't. In all likelihood I feel that I'll carry my feelings below the surface until she finds someone new, it'll break my heart, and then I'll be forced to move on.

I splled my feelings out on the floor one last time and gave her a last heartfelt set of voicemails and am going to try to leave it at that. From here on out I'm gonna try to control my emotions and not let them control me. (After watching Star Trek three times, I actually got a lesson out of it that related to my life.)

So that's it. I'm going to pine after her and wait for her until she moves on. But I'm going to keep my mouth shut about it. It's not a good plan, but after my whole ordeal with Crystal, I know myself well enough to know it to be true.

Most people would say to cut her out of my life, but I think this will be a good learning experience for me and I'll grow as much from this as I did with Crystal. If you're worried about my pain and suffering, I've been a lot better at coping with it than with Crystal, while I may be sad at times I'm not suicidal and I'm doing my best to not let it keep me down.

I think I've said my piece. More after the clock spins a few more times.

Nikita

My name is Nathan Tamayo, I am 25 years old and I have done nothing in my life that I am proud of.

Those of you who have enough interest to read this are wondering why I am grieving. I broke up with a girl who I found amazing due to the difficulty of the circumstances. But it pains me much because we broke up not because we didn't work together, but because the timing was all wrong. It's best to be apart, a decision she made. It's a strange thing for a person so much younger than you to be more mature than you, but I admire and actually look for that in a woman. Because I'm childish and naive for an adult. (Though I have to admit that I don't want to change that.)

Many people did not like the relationship for various reasons, all justified and valid. I stood against those who protested and argued and I thanked those that supported, though there were relatively few. The fact of the matter is now you all have the right to say, "I told you so." Which is fine, I knew what I was getting into.

But let me say this: It was worth it.

I drove over two thousand miles [I counted. (Enough to drive to Seattle and back)], kept secrets, and cried for hours, but it was worth it. Every inch, every word unspoken, every tear.

Love is worth it.

Every breath, every moment.

My friend Jennie once told me, "Love is time." I know now why she believes that.

We never got passed holding hands and I wouldn't have asked for anything more. It was brief but it was powerful, and she is stronger for it, I'm sure. It was a great experience for both of us and we now have some good memories, though right now they may be painful for me to look back on. We've grown from the experience and I'm glad for that.

My name is Nathan Tamayo, I'm 25 years old and I have done nothing I am proud of, until now. I helped someone I care about discover strength, maturity, and love.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't, they never were."

I believe that love is sacrifice.

If love is sacrifice then there is no greater sacrifice than love itself for the good of the other person.

I love you, I always will.

Words

I'm sitting at my keyboard, trying to find something to write. I'm not particularly articulate or anything, but I used to think that I could just start typing and explain my thoughts and my feelings relatively well.

Until just now.

I have this feeling of uncertainty, and insecurity. Like nothing in my life is under my control. And while this may be the case, I don't always feel that way. Now is one of those times, I guess.

I don't know what to say to who, I don't know how they would react if I said it.

I think what this is is frustration. I'm frustrated, that no matter what I do or try to get a hold of things, nothing is under control. I rely on fate and chance for everything. I have no solid plans, no direction, and no way out of the way things are.

I'm at a dead end.

I'm going nowhere.

The only thing I can do is sit and wait. See if things work out. See what the future holds. My hands are tied and I feel impotent.

Powerless. Even my words have failed me.

I'm powerless.

Change.

One of my friends recently updated his blog and it struck me deeply. I don't know why or what he said that effected me so but it did. I'm already having trouble writing this and nothing has been said, most of it I want to save for my book so I'll just say that I am a hurricane of emotions. I've said hat before on many occasions some good, and some bad. I'm feeling lost.

Of all my friends that I've spoken to about my current status in love I've had only one person back me all the way and most are in the "no go" column. I've always been very unsure about my decisions and lacked confidence so I turn to my friends, ask their opinions. They're my litmus paper for society.

But "the heart wants what the heart wants" and while I was in a similar place months ago, she moved and has moved on beyond me. This new girl is in the same place she was so the thought of her forgetting me when she moves nags at me from the shadows.

Along with the moving issue there's another issue that is a holdup for most people and that is age. It's a pretty big one and one that is well founded but I have waited years to meet someone that I could probably stand a few years apart. I say this now of course, I have always been known to be fickle in the past.

(speaking of which I am planning on learning the violin this year. i swear)

I don't know what else to write here so I'm going to write a project now.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like nothing is worth doing and no one is worth loving.

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming at a wall. Nothing moves. Nothing changes.

I'm the only person like me. I'm unique. Different.

I will find no one I can connect with.

I'm judgmental, extreme, passionate. I love and hate, I can do nothing in between. I would die for you, or I would like to kill you.

I hate being this way but it's the only way I know how to be. People tell me to change what I don't like about myself. Maybe I feel like there's nothing wrong with me, and that it's everyone else that needs to change.

I sound like a pompous, egotistical asshole, but maybe that's who I am.

is it weird that most people stress about their jobs, school, bills, and crap like that, none of that concerns me. I just want evryone to get along, be happy, have fun, and to be loved? i feel like i'm not driven to the same goals as anyone else. that i won't be successful in life in the way most of my peers want to be. that i look like i have no direction and that i'm a slacker. but to be honest i really don't fucking care that i won't be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a business person. i just want to be loved and happy....

Hmm

It's been a while since I posted hasn't it?

I was just thinking as I watched the closing ceremony of the Olympic Games, that it's one of the few things that gives me some hope in humanity.

It shows we can come together as people of different creeds and get along, even for just a little while.