I've had this dream enough times to e convinced it really happened.
I'm a small child at an Easter party. We're near a hill and have just
completed an egg hunt. All of my fellow children have gathered around
and are holding balloons. A clown is nearby giving us instructions.
When he says "go" we are all to release our balloons. Everyone has
white, yellow, or pastel blue. Except me, mine is red.
Upon some mistake I mishear something and release my balloon, it flies
up and away. The only red balloon floating up into the sky while the
rest of the children hold fast to their own.
I'm different, alone, I had the best intention but it goes to waste
and makes me an outcast. My mother tells my sister to share her
balloon string with me so I stop crying. I only manage to
slow my weeping. I awaken, anxious and sad.
I use to think this meant I would always be different and alone in the
world, that I would be like no one else, but apparently I was so busy
being sad about that that I didn't realize that my sister was there to
share what she had. That if I lost something, she would comfort me,
and that I wasn't quite alone.
2. I will never be in a happy relationship. That is by "never," I mean
"foreseeable future," because I don't love myself, and everyone has
been telling me lately that the best relationships are between two
people that love themselves.
3. I hate being different, being "me," but I refuse to change. I don't
like being different from everyone else, I feel alone, an outcast, as
I called myself as a teenager, a "Perpetual Pariah." Though, I am
judgmental, ignorant, and a fool, so I refuse to be like anyone else.
To change my ways, the way I dress, the things I do. It's a catch-22
of self-loathing. I want to belong but I don't want to belong to any
group of people I know of. Woody Allen said, "I wouldn't want to join
any club that would have me as a member," and while a different
notion, it is somewhat similar.
4. I believe in nothing. The one thing I do believe is that everyone
should believe in something, but I myself believe in nothing. Strange,
I know, another paradox. I don't believe in God, in humanity, in love,
and of course, I don't believe in myself. Where does this leave me?
Nowhere good, I suppose. I lack the one thing I think is most important.
5. I am destined to be mediocre. Some people are meant to become
heroes, or celebrities, doctors, rich, or whatnot. I think I'm
destined to be a nobody. A person who's sole purpose is to be a cog in
the machine, important but not special. I'm here to be a comparison,
to be a an extra in the movie of your life. A motivator, a supporting
character. Light needs shadow, and love needs hate. I'm mediocre, so
you can be great.
6. If I am destined for anything besides medicrity, then it is to be a
giver of joy. To literally give away my joy. To find people who are
sad, depressed, or feel worthless, prove to them they are not, but
learn something about myself I dislike in the process. I will make
others happy at the expense of my own happiness. When I'm out of joy,
I'll be left a bitter, hollow man.
7. Envy is my Cardinal Sin. Not Avarice, I don't want things. I want
things so I can be "better" than you. I judge you because I want to be
you. I want everything... that you have.
8. I don't understand how people can separate love and sex (one night
stands, etc) even if I do it myself via pornography.
9. Bathing is relaxing and better than pacing, or lying in bed.
10. Life sucks.
1 comment:
Hey; just wanted to post quick comments on things before I forget and possibly for points of discussion for later if you're up for it.
I hope most of these realizations aren't set in stone. While I think it's really good that you took time to work things out, you're last point has me thinking discussing your ruminations might be the next step in helping you through your issues. Not necessarily with me, of course, if you feel more inclined to talk to someone else (but I'm here). Lyla perhaps, given your first point?
1) This point is good, and from what I understand, completely true :)
2) A lot of people have found a reason to love you. They can't all be wrong, right? I think putting relationships on hold is a good idea until you feel better about yourself.
3) Not that you're not unique...I just don't see you as that different. You know what I mean. You aren't just some average joe, but you aren't someone removed from society. What about you do you see as so far removed?
4) You need to ask yourself why you don't believe in anything (maybe you have). Are faith and trust issues at the core of it? Maybe starting to believe in something small is a way to regain those abilities.
5) You're part of my main ensemble in the play that is my life--not a foil. I don't think anyone's "destined" for anything... completely. I'm fond of free will. When you work through your other issues, you'll see your potential, and you'll think differently.
6) You find yourself helping people, and that's a good thing. Now strike a balance. It's possible to give without overextending. It is possible to love without martyrizing yourself.
7) This is tied to your other points. I think you'll be less envious the happier you are with yourself.
8) No comment. I don't understand that either. Don't think I could do that.
9)It's productive to say the least.
10)I'm hoping that we (family and friends) can change your opinion on that.
Post a Comment