bus or plane to nowhere and dying in the streets of another city, fading
from the lives of my loved ones.
I make elaborate plans and think of things I would write down or say
before fellating a firearm. Walking into traffic. Drinking antifreeze.
I hate myself for being depressed, saying I should be stronger. I
nitpick at the things I wish I could be better at.
I wish I was good at something.
Hours pass and this phase of self-loathing and self-destructive thoughts
disappears. I go throughout my day smiling, distracting, going about my
business and feeling fine for hours (or days) at a time.
But one day the phase won't pass. One day I won't feel fine. One day
I'll go through with it.
Will it be today?
