Emo

"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping., waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."

-Angelus, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The fire in my heart is out. My desire to live, my motivation to complete goals, drive to achieve, has fizzled. I've tried to ignite it from the outside with food, drink, and good times, but it hasn't worked. I've tried to live life, and pretend I still have the flame but inside I'm empty, cold.

Being around others who have the fire only reminsd me even more that I lack what they have. Once I've left their company I grow cold and dead again. Alone in the night I grow depressed. Asleep I have nightmares of the love I lost, I strangled with my own hands.

I'm a hurricane of emotions. Depressed I've lost her. Angry he took advantage of it, and is proud of it. Sad she's okay with it. Disatisfied with myself, my low intelligence, my ugly appearance, weak discipline, lack of talent.

(My cousins cat just lay down next to me and began to knead me, I guess he knows somethings up.)

I feel alone. I don't want to date, because the girl would be rebound, and I don't want to do that to anyone. I feel anger at the fact that we all have our own problems and no time for anyone elses. Jealousy from the people who have solid, stable lives.

There are too many emotions but of them the will to attempt to fix things, change things, is not there.

I can't go on pretending everything is okay, I don't have the will to change. Where do I go from here?

I guess before I can walk, I have to crawl.