Lies

As I get older I find myself more and more disappointed with human beings. Why do we raise our children with lies and not uphold them ourselves?

Is it a passive aggressive way of changing the world? "It's too much work to be a good person, so you do it."

I hate wasting my emotions loving her and hating him because neither of them give a damn.

More or Less

When the post service was in it's infancy it took months to deliver letters, and receiving one was a memorable occasion. Now that it has been both expedited by modern transport and shadowed by electronic mail, is it more or less significant to receive a letter?

...

Why do some consider an affair of the heart and mind not as bad as an affair of the flesh?

At least an affair of the flesh is a carnal, primal thing to be resisted. An affair of the heart is a concious decision.

I guess I'll never understand. I wonder if she'll ever admit to me that she did so.

That is, if she ever speaks to me again...

On Faith

"You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you." -Shepard Book, Firefly

I had faith in people once, that no matter how mean we acted, we cared for each other. Now a woman I loved and a boy I trusted have crushed that. I need faith to fix lost faith. Give me something to believe in.

Emo

"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping., waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."

-Angelus, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The fire in my heart is out. My desire to live, my motivation to complete goals, drive to achieve, has fizzled. I've tried to ignite it from the outside with food, drink, and good times, but it hasn't worked. I've tried to live life, and pretend I still have the flame but inside I'm empty, cold.

Being around others who have the fire only reminsd me even more that I lack what they have. Once I've left their company I grow cold and dead again. Alone in the night I grow depressed. Asleep I have nightmares of the love I lost, I strangled with my own hands.

I'm a hurricane of emotions. Depressed I've lost her. Angry he took advantage of it, and is proud of it. Sad she's okay with it. Disatisfied with myself, my low intelligence, my ugly appearance, weak discipline, lack of talent.

(My cousins cat just lay down next to me and began to knead me, I guess he knows somethings up.)

I feel alone. I don't want to date, because the girl would be rebound, and I don't want to do that to anyone. I feel anger at the fact that we all have our own problems and no time for anyone elses. Jealousy from the people who have solid, stable lives.

There are too many emotions but of them the will to attempt to fix things, change things, is not there.

I can't go on pretending everything is okay, I don't have the will to change. Where do I go from here?

I guess before I can walk, I have to crawl.

Until Death

Nathan: What if I don't want to stop feeling this way?

Erin: Then you'll feel that way until you choose to stop, you replace her with someone else, or you die. It's as simple as that.

Nathan: It's going to be a long, hard life.

Down to Earth

Let's try again, here on earth.
I lost my wings, so I'm learning to walk.
It's the phoenix's hot rebirth.
It's a mute learning to talk.

Let's try again, here on earth.