Words

I'm sitting at my keyboard, trying to find something to write. I'm not particularly articulate or anything, but I used to think that I could just start typing and explain my thoughts and my feelings relatively well.

Until just now.

I have this feeling of uncertainty, and insecurity. Like nothing in my life is under my control. And while this may be the case, I don't always feel that way. Now is one of those times, I guess.

I don't know what to say to who, I don't know how they would react if I said it.

I think what this is is frustration. I'm frustrated, that no matter what I do or try to get a hold of things, nothing is under control. I rely on fate and chance for everything. I have no solid plans, no direction, and no way out of the way things are.

I'm at a dead end.

I'm going nowhere.

The only thing I can do is sit and wait. See if things work out. See what the future holds. My hands are tied and I feel impotent.

Powerless. Even my words have failed me.

I'm powerless.

Change.

One of my friends recently updated his blog and it struck me deeply. I don't know why or what he said that effected me so but it did. I'm already having trouble writing this and nothing has been said, most of it I want to save for my book so I'll just say that I am a hurricane of emotions. I've said hat before on many occasions some good, and some bad. I'm feeling lost.

Of all my friends that I've spoken to about my current status in love I've had only one person back me all the way and most are in the "no go" column. I've always been very unsure about my decisions and lacked confidence so I turn to my friends, ask their opinions. They're my litmus paper for society.

But "the heart wants what the heart wants" and while I was in a similar place months ago, she moved and has moved on beyond me. This new girl is in the same place she was so the thought of her forgetting me when she moves nags at me from the shadows.

Along with the moving issue there's another issue that is a holdup for most people and that is age. It's a pretty big one and one that is well founded but I have waited years to meet someone that I could probably stand a few years apart. I say this now of course, I have always been known to be fickle in the past.

(speaking of which I am planning on learning the violin this year. i swear)

I don't know what else to write here so I'm going to write a project now.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like nothing is worth doing and no one is worth loving.

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming at a wall. Nothing moves. Nothing changes.

I'm the only person like me. I'm unique. Different.

I will find no one I can connect with.

I'm judgmental, extreme, passionate. I love and hate, I can do nothing in between. I would die for you, or I would like to kill you.

I hate being this way but it's the only way I know how to be. People tell me to change what I don't like about myself. Maybe I feel like there's nothing wrong with me, and that it's everyone else that needs to change.

I sound like a pompous, egotistical asshole, but maybe that's who I am.

is it weird that most people stress about their jobs, school, bills, and crap like that, none of that concerns me. I just want evryone to get along, be happy, have fun, and to be loved? i feel like i'm not driven to the same goals as anyone else. that i won't be successful in life in the way most of my peers want to be. that i look like i have no direction and that i'm a slacker. but to be honest i really don't fucking care that i won't be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a business person. i just want to be loved and happy....

Hmm

It's been a while since I posted hasn't it?

I was just thinking as I watched the closing ceremony of the Olympic Games, that it's one of the few things that gives me some hope in humanity.

It shows we can come together as people of different creeds and get along, even for just a little while.

Freedom.

Perhaps I'm too free, and my family is too accepting and forgiving. I'm not saying it's bad, but i was thinking if I grew up in a society that said, "You have to do this and you have to become this," then I wouldn't feel like I have no qualities, or no goals. I feel like there are so many options I can't decide which is best.

I'm bitching because I have too much. Isn't that always the way?

Good morning?

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream. I don't know how or why, but I had the strrangest state of mind. I was completely awake, and my mind was thinking extremely clearly. I was able to look at things from an outside perspective without emotion.

I thought about Crystal and her current state and was understanding of the fact that she's living the life she wants. There were other things I thought of without emotion as well, and was able to map out peoples current situations and understanding where they're at and where they're going. Without anger, without envy, just knowing.

I thought I was having another anxiety attack, something that hasn't happened for a long time, that's how out of body I felt.

It was strange to say the least but only lasted for about half an hour before my mind went back it's "normal" state, clouded by emotion and going off on tangents.

On another note I thought of a great idea for a documentary but I lack the resources to ake it plausable. I'll probably approach some people for their opinion over the next week or so to see if it's a good idea and if so, what they can contribute.