Change.

One of my friends recently updated his blog and it struck me deeply. I don't know why or what he said that effected me so but it did. I'm already having trouble writing this and nothing has been said, most of it I want to save for my book so I'll just say that I am a hurricane of emotions. I've said hat before on many occasions some good, and some bad. I'm feeling lost.

Of all my friends that I've spoken to about my current status in love I've had only one person back me all the way and most are in the "no go" column. I've always been very unsure about my decisions and lacked confidence so I turn to my friends, ask their opinions. They're my litmus paper for society.

But "the heart wants what the heart wants" and while I was in a similar place months ago, she moved and has moved on beyond me. This new girl is in the same place she was so the thought of her forgetting me when she moves nags at me from the shadows.

Along with the moving issue there's another issue that is a holdup for most people and that is age. It's a pretty big one and one that is well founded but I have waited years to meet someone that I could probably stand a few years apart. I say this now of course, I have always been known to be fickle in the past.

(speaking of which I am planning on learning the violin this year. i swear)

I don't know what else to write here so I'm going to write a project now.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like nothing is worth doing and no one is worth loving.

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming at a wall. Nothing moves. Nothing changes.

I'm the only person like me. I'm unique. Different.

I will find no one I can connect with.

I'm judgmental, extreme, passionate. I love and hate, I can do nothing in between. I would die for you, or I would like to kill you.

I hate being this way but it's the only way I know how to be. People tell me to change what I don't like about myself. Maybe I feel like there's nothing wrong with me, and that it's everyone else that needs to change.

I sound like a pompous, egotistical asshole, but maybe that's who I am.