Good morning?

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream. I don't know how or why, but I had the strrangest state of mind. I was completely awake, and my mind was thinking extremely clearly. I was able to look at things from an outside perspective without emotion.

I thought about Crystal and her current state and was understanding of the fact that she's living the life she wants. There were other things I thought of without emotion as well, and was able to map out peoples current situations and understanding where they're at and where they're going. Without anger, without envy, just knowing.

I thought I was having another anxiety attack, something that hasn't happened for a long time, that's how out of body I felt.

It was strange to say the least but only lasted for about half an hour before my mind went back it's "normal" state, clouded by emotion and going off on tangents.

On another note I thought of a great idea for a documentary but I lack the resources to ake it plausable. I'll probably approach some people for their opinion over the next week or so to see if it's a good idea and if so, what they can contribute.

on rebirth

i want to come back as a hurricane

Things I learned in the bath

1. I used to have a nightmare, a recurring one, or is it a memory?
I've had this dream enough times to e convinced it really happened.
I'm a small child at an Easter party. We're near a hill and have just
completed an egg hunt. All of my fellow children have gathered around
and are holding balloons. A clown is nearby giving us instructions.
When he says "go" we are all to release our balloons. Everyone has
white, yellow, or pastel blue. Except me, mine is red.

Upon some mistake I mishear something and release my balloon, it flies
up and away. The only red balloon floating up into the sky while the
rest of the children hold fast to their own.

I'm different, alone, I had the best intention but it goes to waste
and makes me an outcast. My mother tells my sister to share her
balloon string with me so I stop crying. I only manage to
slow my weeping. I awaken, anxious and sad.

I use to think this meant I would always be different and alone in the
world, that I would be like no one else, but apparently I was so busy
being sad about that that I didn't realize that my sister was there to
share what she had. That if I lost something, she would comfort me,
and that I wasn't quite alone.

2. I will never be in a happy relationship. That is by "never," I mean
"foreseeable future," because I don't love myself, and everyone has
been telling me lately that the best relationships are between two
people that love themselves.

3. I hate being different, being "me," but I refuse to change. I don't
like being different from everyone else, I feel alone, an outcast, as
I called myself as a teenager, a "Perpetual Pariah." Though, I am
judgmental, ignorant, and a fool, so I refuse to be like anyone else.
To change my ways, the way I dress, the things I do. It's a catch-22
of self-loathing. I want to belong but I don't want to belong to any
group of people I know of. Woody Allen said, "I wouldn't want to join
any club that would have me as a member," and while a different
notion, it is somewhat similar.

4. I believe in nothing. The one thing I do believe is that everyone
should believe in something, but I myself believe in nothing. Strange,
I know, another paradox. I don't believe in God, in humanity, in love,
and of course, I don't believe in myself. Where does this leave me?
Nowhere good, I suppose. I lack the one thing I think is most important.

5. I am destined to be mediocre. Some people are meant to become
heroes, or celebrities, doctors, rich, or whatnot. I think I'm
destined to be a nobody. A person who's sole purpose is to be a cog in
the machine, important but not special. I'm here to be a comparison,
to be a an extra in the movie of your life. A motivator, a supporting
character. Light needs shadow, and love needs hate. I'm mediocre, so
you can be great.

6. If I am destined for anything besides medicrity, then it is to be a
giver of joy. To literally give away my joy. To find people who are
sad, depressed, or feel worthless, prove to them they are not, but
learn something about myself I dislike in the process. I will make
others happy at the expense of my own happiness. When I'm out of joy,
I'll be left a bitter, hollow man.

7. Envy is my Cardinal Sin. Not Avarice, I don't want things. I want
things so I can be "better" than you. I judge you because I want to be
you. I want everything... that you have.

8. I don't understand how people can separate love and sex (one night
stands, etc) even if I do it myself via pornography.

9. Bathing is relaxing and better than pacing, or lying in bed.

10. Life sucks.